Life sucks!

 So Jon goes to this church weekend thing and comes back an rah rah rah and life is great and why can't we all just be happy and it makes me want to puke.  I'm sitting there at the table tonight listening to everyone talk about how great they are doing and how grateful they are for everything and I just want to leave, can't stand sitting there acting like everything is hunky dory.  I lied about being grateful for the family because right now I don't feel grateful for anything.  Right now I'm just sad and angry and wish I could be anywhere but here.  

Jon thinks he can make everything better for me but I just can't see how he is going to accomplish this when what I really want to do it sell this house and leave.  Is that going to happen?  NOPE!  So I am stuck here is a house that isn't mine cleaning up after everyone like the good maid I am.  

It's the little things

 It's amazing how something as small as a fly strip can piss me off.  I asked him to hang a fly strip at the end of the island where all the fly congregate but his mommy doesn't like it there so he hung it by the  door to make her happy.  What about me?  Is my happiness not important to him?  Some days I wonder.  Days like today make just hate living here and wish we had never moved from Texas.  Everything they say just pisses me off and I don't even want to talk to either one of them.  And if Andy and Yvonne leave that kid behind one more time my head is going to explode.  I DO NOT BABYSIT!  He isn't my kid but I knew when he showed up it would be expected of us to watch him so they can go running the roads.  Don't get me wrong he is a good kid but he isn't my responsibility.....period.  He is always up stairs talking to me and asking me question.......just exhausting.  Jon feels sorry for him and I do to but dang!  That family has to figure it out and quit expecting us to look after him.  I keep expecting Jon to volunteer to take him in because he feels bad for him.  The poor kid is going to be so screwed up because he has such a screwed up family but that isn't my problem.  

Today is one of those days where I just want to pack up and go to Louisiana.  Stay with Royette for a while, get a job and just get on with my life alone.  I just hate everything today. 

Finally vented

 Well I finally told Jon how I feel about living here.  It came to a head for me when his brother told us he is parking his RV here for a month.......A MONTH!  His brother is a nut case I mean a real nut case.  Believes the earth is flat and everyone is out to get him, he talks gibberish all the time and is super annoying.  The thought of dealing with him for a whole month is excruciating.  The fact that I wasn't even asked how I feel about it, just taken for granted that I would be ok with it, once again my feelings were not even taken into consideration before the decision was made.  

I told him how unhappy I am living here.  How I don't feel like this is my house and how naïve I was to believe I would have any say in anything that happens around here.  So I guess we see what happens now.  Unfortunately I don't think anything will change.....SOS as my daddy would say it what I expect.  I have to blow up and then things get better for a while and then it fades and we are back to square one.  And then I am seen as the bitch that can't just get with the program and go along to get along.  I am the difficult one because I want to have some say in what happens around here.  

In the long run I don't think anything will change and I will just have to suck it up and learn to live with my unhappiness.  

Today was a tough one

 I hate living here.  I am very unhappy and feel completely stuck.  Most days I can hide it pretty well, bite my tongue when she questions something I've done but today was not one of those days.  I stayed upstairs all day because I just couldn't bring myself to go downstairs and deal with her.  Today I was questioned about ant bait like I don't understand what ant bait is.  I just made the comment that it is better to feed them under the counter and they stay off the counter.  She actually asked if it was poison like I am just sooo stupid I don't know that ant bait needs to be poison.......duh.  I guess she thinks us stupid folks from the south are just to dump to know that ant bait needs to be poison.  That is just one example of what I deal with.  Yesterday it was telling me I need to get the rice cooked like I don't know how long it takes to cook rice.  And when I commented on how nice it is going to be to go on the new deck in the morning to have her coffee to have a nice comfortable chair to sit in. She said I didn't need to pamper her like I bought that furniture for her.  I just commented on how nice it will be I didn't need for the to make that stupid comment.  Oh and yesterday she said I should turn the light off in my little building because I am to stupid to know when to turn a light off......DUH!   I'm so stuuuuuupid!!

I have commented to her to just leave the dishes for the dishwasher but she refuses to do that.  I commented that we need to cut down on the number of pots of coffee we drink every day since there are some days I pour a whole pot down the drain.  That was met with snide comments too.  

Of course when I say something to Jon he always takes her side or makes excuses for her.  "It's just the way she has been doing it for 50 years"  is what I hear.  Well it is time for a change.  I sure was naïve believe she meant when she said "It's our house now we can do what we want" that was really stupid of me.  I should have know better.  You can't ask a woman who has lived in the same house for 50 years to just give up everything she has known and done without a fight.  So where does that leave me?  If I tell Jon I am unhappy and want to move the shit will definitely hit the fan and I am not prepared for the fallout so I guess I just suck it up or I start fighting back.  Maybe I do need to fight back.  I have been walking around on eggshells for over a year because I didn't want to upset her but I am so beyond that now.  I am tired of being talked down to and treated like an idiot in my own home.  I am tired of everything I do being questioned like I haven't been running my own house for over 26 years.  I am tired of being nice.  I am tired of trying to keep the peace with her.  I am just tired of all of it.  I am not a child who doesn't know how to do anything.  

And I am tired of people showing up here thinking it is ok to stay the night without at least calling to make sure we are okay with it.  When Justin and Bentley showed up Saturday without calling and then just announced they were staying the night I was pissed.  I mean who does that?  It would never cross my mind to just show up and say "Hey I'm staying the night"  I mean that is the epitome of rudeness and I come from a long line of rude people.  Even in my messed up family we don't do things like that. 

Life for these people is about to change in a way they don't like because I am done being nice.  Eric snooping around in the basement like he owns the house.  People showing up to stay the night without calling first.  People coming to stay for an extended time without keeping up with their kids.......I am DONE! 

My husband is amusing!

 Since we put the dishwasher in I have been trying to get thru my MIL's head that she doesn't need to do dishes but I can't seem to get her to understand or is it something else?  I told Jon today that I thought she was doing it out of spite but he said she would never do anything spiteful......funny right!  Like she isn't capable of that kind of emotion.  I mean she is a woman right?  I don't know to many if any that don't have spiteful thoughts and she didn't want the dishwasher for some strange, stupid reason to begin with.  "We've done it this way for 50 years" or "I like washing dishes by hand" are the reasons I got for not needing a dishwasher.  It just made me angry that he thinks his mother is so perfect.  Now I know she is a kind woman but she is still a woman and she still has feelings even if he doesn't want admit it.  

I know I am just about done with her always questioning me and correcting me.  When I moved the cat the other day and she commented on it I was angry.  I'm sure the cat would probably move but I'm just not willing to take that chance because I know Jon's track record when it comes to running things/animals over.  After all he did hit Sophie twice because "she should have moved".   He has run over chickens too for the same reason.  He just doesn't see this the way I do and he would hit it if it didn't move. 

I am just tired of living here and knowing that this isn't going to change for a VERY long time.  I am stuck!  So what is the solution to my problem?  I wish I knew.

It's funny how I was thinking about cleaning out that closet and knowing what kind of response I am going to get from her and how that makes me angry and anxious all at the same time.  But I feel like this whenever I think about changing anything around here because I know it will be met with opposition, that is unless Jon suggests it.  I hate putting him in the middle but I feel like it is the only way I can get anything done.  If I suggest it it is a bad idea but he suggests the same thing it is a great idea.  

I spend so much time upstairs because I don't have to answer for her to anything up here.  I don't have her question my every move and that is good but it is still frustrating as hell that I can't seem to do anything in my own house without getting shit about it.  Another thing is that stupid trash can.   We just don't need 2 in the kitchen but OMG the world will come to an end it we get rid of hers.  Just little stupid things like that just put me over the edge.  

I know I'm depressed as hell that is why I am up a 3am typing on my computer instead of sleeping.  I hate living here and I'm stuck.  I get questioned about everything I do in my own house.  I get questioned about the food I cook and the church we go to........gggrrrr so annoying.   Like I have to answer to Tim about the church we choose to go to.   Geez last time I looked I was and adult but not around here.  And now we will have Marcy and her grandkids in the house for the next 10 days.....so much fun....NOT!  Were we asked how we felt about that? NOPE!  I know it is her sister and she hasn't seen her in years but it sure would be nice to be asked.  

I'm not sure what my next step will be.  Some days I just want to pack up my stuff and head south for a while, just get the hell out of here.  Living here is as bad as living in Japan was because here I am up in the middle of the night writing my feelings because I can't say the out loud without upsetting everyone.  Once again I have to keep them to myself.  I know Jon cares about this but not enough to leave and talking to him about this only upsets him.  I know he is concerned for my feelings but it is his mom and he can't leave her alone and I get that but it doesn't make these feelings go away.  

I resent her for not selling the house and moving in with Joanna or just downsizing and moving near one of her kids into a smaller place.  I resent that no one else could make the move to help her out.  I resent that I can't do what I want in my own home with getting questioned about everything.  I'm sad because I don't see any way out of this situation.....it all just sucks. 

Are you prepared?

 Our lives in Texas were much different than here in Iowa.  We had land, a nice garden, farm animals and were fairly self sustained.  He had a solar system for our water and a wood stove to heat the house and a whole house backup generator.  We kept gas and propane on hand along with food and feed for the animals. I felt safe and if, God forbid, something happened in the world we would be okay.  Here in Iowa I just don't feel that way.  I feel very unsecure here.  The winters are extreme and we have no way of keeping warm if the power goes out for an extended period of time.  We don't have land so we can't go cut down trees for wood fuel, and we don't have the land to hunt on if we need food.  

Looking back on our moved here there are many days I regret giving up what we had to come up here.  I know if was God's will for it to happen but that doesn't make me feel secure with everything that is going on in the world.  We did bring all out food with us but that will only last so long.  I am trying to learn to grow food in the basement but I can't grow enough to keep us alive over a winter.  I plan on expanding my garden this year and can lots of veggies.  I really want to fence off the whole property so we can get chickens and let them free-range.  Whenever I mention this to Jon and MIL I get crazy looks from them.  I want to get a few milk goats or a milk cow....that gets me crazy looks.  I just want to be proactive instead of waiting for all hell to break loose before we see what we should have done.  

My problem is getting my husband on board with this.  I think he was burned out from our time in Texas and all the work we did there and nothing bad happened.  I can understand that because I felt the same.  When you spend years preparing for bad things to happen and nothing does you begin to feel like it was all a waste of time. Since Biden got elected it seems like everything has accelerated to the point where we can't ignore what is happening in the world and think everything will be okay and nothing is going to happen.  So many people have normalcy bias and my MIL is one of them.  She thinks we are crazy to stock food and get a wood stove and expand the garden and fence the yard for animals......etc.  She just thinks things will go on the way they always have and we are just looking for problems that won't happen.  

So what is the solution to my predicament?  I feel scared and I feel like my husband doesn't get it.  Whenever I mention doing any of these things to be more prepared he dismisses me and my suggestions. 

Once again I don't matter

 I was informed today that the whole family is coming over Sunday afternoon for "Christmas" since we didn't get to celebrate it last year because of illness.  Normally I would be okay with that but it sure would be nice to be asked if I was okay with it.  I HATE when plans are made for me without my knowledge or permission.  Last time I looked this was my house, my name is on the deed but that doesn't seem to mean anything to certain people in this family.  When we bought this house we were told "it's your house you can do what you want"  I've said this before but once again that simply isn't true.  I could be a total bitch and just stay upstairs and I just might do that.  I hate when I am forced to participate in a family function that I don't even what to happen in my house.  My house.....what a joke.  The only thing that is mine in this house is the bills. 

Who does my husband care about more?

 When we made the decision to move to Iowa to live with my mother-in-law there were things I told him I wanted as soon as we moved in.  The big one for me is a dishwasher.....I NEED a dishwasher.  He seemed all on board with that plan until his mom got her panties in a wad about it and said we don't need one.  SOOOOOO we don't have a dishwasher which makes me very angry.  I'm angry because she told us when we bought the house "it is your house and you can do what you want"......well not really.  I can only do what I want as long as she is okay with it.  What is more frustrating is his lack of understanding on how all this makes me feel, like I have to compete with her about everything.  Now don't get me wrong she is not a bad person and for the most part she is easy to get along with. My problem is my husband and his inability to see things from my point of view.  I told him today I shouldn't be surprised that he can't talk to her about difficult things because all the brothers are a bunch of mama's boys. So that leaves me without dishwasher because Jon refuses to tell his mom it is what I want.  Or is my problem that he just doesn't get that this is important to me? Or does he care more about his mother's feeling than mine? So are her feelings more important than mine?  How long do I live in a house that doesn't feel like my home even though we pay all the bills?  How long do I put up with my husband caring more about him mom's feeling than mine?  How do I come to grip with the thought that my husband is oblivious to the depression I am feeling because I am playing second fiddle to his mom? I've talked about feeling a LOT!  My feelings are incredibly hurt by all this and even more hurt that he can't seem to see that.  He is more concerned with upsetting her than he is about making me happy and that makes me very unhappy.  

So there are days when it is more than I can handle and I have a melt down and sulk upstairs all day.  I had one of those last week and when she asked if I was okay he felt the need to tell her I was upset.  Did he tell her why I was upset.....NOOOOO that would be the thing to do but he didn't.  

I gave up everything I loved in Texas to move here so she wouldn't be alone and all I want for it is a stupid dishwasher but NOOOOO can't have that.  Anyway that is my vent for the day.  I'm sure I could go on and on about this but what is the point?  Venting on this blog won't get me any closer to having a dishwasher.  

Long Iowa winters

 I can tell already that the winters here are going to be endless.....never ending and it's only November!

We finally saw the sun today after days and days and days of gloomy, cloudy, cold and sometimes snowy days and what did I do with the day? I slept and that was about it.  I HAVE to find something to do with my time beside watch TV and clean and buy stupid stuff on Amazon that I don't need.  

After 9 years of endless chores life here is so much simpler but WOW is it boring.  I miss not having tasks to keep me busy.  How did our ancestors keep from going crazy up here in the winters?  I know most of them had cattle and farm animals to take care of and cooking took much longer but still....geez!  Now I understand why spring is so exciting to people up here.  After being inside for months on end, spending time outside is a welcome change.  

Anyway, short blog today because life is boring and nothing is going on.

My heart issue

 So I have this thing going on with my heart.  Started a few years ago and got to the point I couldn't ignore it anymore.  I went to see my NP and she seemed to think it was being caused by anxiety. I thought that was hokum.  I am not one to have problems with being anxious so I thought it was hormones since I have reached the magical age where my body has changed along with my sleep patterns.  Anyway she ran all the usual tests and found something slight, sent me to a cardiologist who said it was nothing to worry about and sent me home with a prescription for metoprolol.  My blood pressure had been running a bit high but not bad but I really didn't want to take another medication so I put off taking the meds for a year but then I just couldn't stand it anymore.  I went back and got a fresh prescription for the medicine and started taking it and what a difference it has made in my life.  The heart issue went away.....so wonderful. 

I telling this because this move has been stressful.  I've been pretty unhappy and stressed about my situation here at the house and my inability to make decisions/changes that I want without upsetting my MIL.  The last 2 weeks my heart has been back to making me miserable.  Lots of palpitations, skipping beats.....just annoying.  I figure maybe I need to up my dose so I made my yearly appointment to get set up with a new NP here in Iowa and see if she will change my prescription.  

Since I made the appointment I have had a kind of revelation.  As much as I love my MIL and don't want to upset her I also have to live my life and run my house the way I want.  I know she has lived here for a long time but the deal was we buy the house and we can do what we want.  She hasn't forbidden any of that but you call tell when we say we are going to change something she is upset about it.  Take today for example.  There are 3 large windows in the kitchen with some old brown roll up shades.  These shades are OLD and falling apart.  I have been looking at buying some new faux wood, 2 inch blinds at Lowe's and I have them in my cart but haven't been able to bring myself to order them.  Jon said something like "those shades are shot, we need new ones"  which is true but she got upset.   She didn't say anything but the look on her face said it all.  I also want to replace an old cheap island she is using for storage with a new upper and lower cabinets and I found what I want today on the Home Depot website.  I know she is not going to be happy about it even though it will make our life easier since we will have more storage and not have bowls falling out of the cabinet every time the door is opened but BOY is she resistant to change.....any change.  I put new curtains in the living room....she wasn't happy, I cleaned out some cabinets.....she wasn't happy, we put down a new rug.....she wasn't happy, we took and old shelf out of the kitchen and added 3 large pantry like cabinets....she wasn't happy, like I said she doesn't like change.  He couch is shot and has a board under one of the cushions to keep you from sinking but every time I mention getting a new one she goes on about how much she loved that couch as soon as she saw it......THE COUCH IS BROKEN!  

I say all that to explain what I am dealing with.  But since I had my revelation my heart seems to have settled down a bit.  I haven't had any episodes in 2 days and that makes me very happy.  I hate that she is unhappy with our changes but I can't let them stop me from doing what I want in my own house. I also expressed to Jon how unhappy I have been and how I feel sorry for him because he has to decide who's feeling he is more concerned about, mine or his mom's.  I know it is my feelings but he still has to keep the peace with her and that is not an easy thing for him.  All the kids love their mom....I mean they really love their mom and in her defense she is a wonderful woman and was an amazing mother to all 9 of her kids, the kind of mom I wish I had had.  So this is a tough position for him to be in but in the end I know he wants me to be happy and if these changes make me happy he is willing to deal with her.  

Life is too short to live on pins and needles for fear I am going to upset her and she will have to learn to live with the deal we made when we decided to move up here and live with her.  

Now if I could only get a dishwasher..........some day......maybe

Our move to Iowa

 In April 2012 we moved to what we thought would be our forever home.  Jon and I have moved a lot in the 26 years we've been married and were tired of it.  We made a promise to each other that our move to Texas would be our last move.  Well that lasted 9 years and then we got the itch, well I did anyway.  After Jon's step-dad passed away we became concerned about his mom living alone.  After much discussion and prayer we decided it would be best for us and for his mom to sell everything and move in with Mom.  I'm not going to lie there are days I really regret it.  I miss my house, I miss my property, I miss our friends, I miss my animals.....I miss everything.  Even though we became very disillusioned with Texas we put a lot of time, energy, money along with sweat and blood into building a homestead we were very proud of.  To move from 34 acres to less than 5 is a big adjustment.  Leaving behind my goats, dogs and cat was tough.  

Learning to live with Jon's mom has been a huge adjustment too.  When we bought the house we were told we could do what we wanted with the house but that hasn't been the case.  On every turn she frowns when I suggest things to change.  I know this has been her house for 50 yrs but it is still frustrating that I can't do the things I want to do and that I get questioned all the time like a child who doesn't know what I'm doing.

The plan after we moved and got settled was to do some traveling but that hasn't happened either.  I really want to buy a small camper and hit the road but Jon isn't feeling that at least not yet.  His excuse is there is lots to do to the house, winter is setting in etc.  Lots of excuses why we can't do what I want.....super annoying. 

Most days I feel like I gave up everything to move up here and have gotten nothing in return but frustration, heartache, depression and disappointment.   I know we haven't been here very long but most days I feel like nothing is going to change. I spend a lot of time in our sitting room by myself.  I haven't made any friends here and that is depressing and I don't feel welcome downstairs sometimes.  I know I am probably being unreasonable and sensitive but that is how I feel most of the time.