Long Iowa winters

 I can tell already that the winters here are going to be endless.....never ending and it's only November!

We finally saw the sun today after days and days and days of gloomy, cloudy, cold and sometimes snowy days and what did I do with the day? I slept and that was about it.  I HAVE to find something to do with my time beside watch TV and clean and buy stupid stuff on Amazon that I don't need.  

After 9 years of endless chores life here is so much simpler but WOW is it boring.  I miss not having tasks to keep me busy.  How did our ancestors keep from going crazy up here in the winters?  I know most of them had cattle and farm animals to take care of and cooking took much longer but still....geez!  Now I understand why spring is so exciting to people up here.  After being inside for months on end, spending time outside is a welcome change.  

Anyway, short blog today because life is boring and nothing is going on.

My heart issue

 So I have this thing going on with my heart.  Started a few years ago and got to the point I couldn't ignore it anymore.  I went to see my NP and she seemed to think it was being caused by anxiety. I thought that was hokum.  I am not one to have problems with being anxious so I thought it was hormones since I have reached the magical age where my body has changed along with my sleep patterns.  Anyway she ran all the usual tests and found something slight, sent me to a cardiologist who said it was nothing to worry about and sent me home with a prescription for metoprolol.  My blood pressure had been running a bit high but not bad but I really didn't want to take another medication so I put off taking the meds for a year but then I just couldn't stand it anymore.  I went back and got a fresh prescription for the medicine and started taking it and what a difference it has made in my life.  The heart issue went away.....so wonderful. 

I telling this because this move has been stressful.  I've been pretty unhappy and stressed about my situation here at the house and my inability to make decisions/changes that I want without upsetting my MIL.  The last 2 weeks my heart has been back to making me miserable.  Lots of palpitations, skipping beats.....just annoying.  I figure maybe I need to up my dose so I made my yearly appointment to get set up with a new NP here in Iowa and see if she will change my prescription.  

Since I made the appointment I have had a kind of revelation.  As much as I love my MIL and don't want to upset her I also have to live my life and run my house the way I want.  I know she has lived here for a long time but the deal was we buy the house and we can do what we want.  She hasn't forbidden any of that but you call tell when we say we are going to change something she is upset about it.  Take today for example.  There are 3 large windows in the kitchen with some old brown roll up shades.  These shades are OLD and falling apart.  I have been looking at buying some new faux wood, 2 inch blinds at Lowe's and I have them in my cart but haven't been able to bring myself to order them.  Jon said something like "those shades are shot, we need new ones"  which is true but she got upset.   She didn't say anything but the look on her face said it all.  I also want to replace an old cheap island she is using for storage with a new upper and lower cabinets and I found what I want today on the Home Depot website.  I know she is not going to be happy about it even though it will make our life easier since we will have more storage and not have bowls falling out of the cabinet every time the door is opened but BOY is she resistant to change.....any change.  I put new curtains in the living room....she wasn't happy, I cleaned out some cabinets.....she wasn't happy, we put down a new rug.....she wasn't happy, we took and old shelf out of the kitchen and added 3 large pantry like cabinets....she wasn't happy, like I said she doesn't like change.  He couch is shot and has a board under one of the cushions to keep you from sinking but every time I mention getting a new one she goes on about how much she loved that couch as soon as she saw it......THE COUCH IS BROKEN!  

I say all that to explain what I am dealing with.  But since I had my revelation my heart seems to have settled down a bit.  I haven't had any episodes in 2 days and that makes me very happy.  I hate that she is unhappy with our changes but I can't let them stop me from doing what I want in my own house. I also expressed to Jon how unhappy I have been and how I feel sorry for him because he has to decide who's feeling he is more concerned about, mine or his mom's.  I know it is my feelings but he still has to keep the peace with her and that is not an easy thing for him.  All the kids love their mom....I mean they really love their mom and in her defense she is a wonderful woman and was an amazing mother to all 9 of her kids, the kind of mom I wish I had had.  So this is a tough position for him to be in but in the end I know he wants me to be happy and if these changes make me happy he is willing to deal with her.  

Life is too short to live on pins and needles for fear I am going to upset her and she will have to learn to live with the deal we made when we decided to move up here and live with her.  

Now if I could only get a dishwasher..........some day......maybe

Our move to Iowa

 In April 2012 we moved to what we thought would be our forever home.  Jon and I have moved a lot in the 26 years we've been married and were tired of it.  We made a promise to each other that our move to Texas would be our last move.  Well that lasted 9 years and then we got the itch, well I did anyway.  After Jon's step-dad passed away we became concerned about his mom living alone.  After much discussion and prayer we decided it would be best for us and for his mom to sell everything and move in with Mom.  I'm not going to lie there are days I really regret it.  I miss my house, I miss my property, I miss our friends, I miss my animals.....I miss everything.  Even though we became very disillusioned with Texas we put a lot of time, energy, money along with sweat and blood into building a homestead we were very proud of.  To move from 34 acres to less than 5 is a big adjustment.  Leaving behind my goats, dogs and cat was tough.  

Learning to live with Jon's mom has been a huge adjustment too.  When we bought the house we were told we could do what we wanted with the house but that hasn't been the case.  On every turn she frowns when I suggest things to change.  I know this has been her house for 50 yrs but it is still frustrating that I can't do the things I want to do and that I get questioned all the time like a child who doesn't know what I'm doing.

The plan after we moved and got settled was to do some traveling but that hasn't happened either.  I really want to buy a small camper and hit the road but Jon isn't feeling that at least not yet.  His excuse is there is lots to do to the house, winter is setting in etc.  Lots of excuses why we can't do what I want.....super annoying. 

Most days I feel like I gave up everything to move up here and have gotten nothing in return but frustration, heartache, depression and disappointment.   I know we haven't been here very long but most days I feel like nothing is going to change. I spend a lot of time in our sitting room by myself.  I haven't made any friends here and that is depressing and I don't feel welcome downstairs sometimes.  I know I am probably being unreasonable and sensitive but that is how I feel most of the time.  

Not much going on today

 Today has been pretty uneventful.  We did have some snow today......yuck!  Jon was excited I was not.  I got my exercise in today after a nice nap.  It is amazing how a nap before working out makes such a big difference.  I didn't work out yesterday because we were gone most of the day so I knew I had to do it today but the weather the last few days has SUCKED!!  So its been cold, windy and dreary and with the sun setting so early it makes me tired and a bit depressed so getting some exercise makes all the difference in my mood.  

Jon still hasn't approached his mom about the dishwasher yet and I fear it won't ever happen.  The poor man has to walk the line between keeping me, his wife, happy and not making his mother angry.  For me that is incredibly aggravating because I want him to be more concerned about my feelings and I'm not sure how fair that is.  My problem with all this is we were told when we moved here and bought the house is we were told it was ours now and we could do what we want with it but that hasn't been the case yet.  I did manage to get the some of the cabinets put in I wanted and a new fridge but that is about it.  I REALLY want a dishwasher I mean really, really, really!!  I want to put some cabinets in where the little cheap island is but that was frowned upon too so the whole "you can do what you want" thing wasn't exactly true.  My predicament is how will I handle this for now.  Will I get pissy about it and insist that I get my way OOOORRR do I try to keep her happy and just let it go?  That is where I'm at right now.  

There are so many people with much bigger problems I now mine seem trivial but to me they are a big deal.  

Veteran's Day

 On this day, Veteran's Day, I want to take a minute to thank every man and woman that served our country in the military.  My dad was a Vietnam Vet, my brother served in the Navy, my mom served in the Air Force, my step-son and his wife, step-daughter and her husband all served in the Air Force. My other son-in-law is currently serving in the Army.  My husband served almost 30 years in the Air Force so I have been around the military my whole life and have to say it is the most rewarding experience.  I don't know what life is like without the military influence in it.  There have been times where dealing with the military has been frustrating and has made me quite angry but, overall, my life has been blessed just by being around it.  I feel sorry for those who've never had that experience.  

Today is a day to reflect on the blessings this country has because of the sacrifices our military has made.  Living the military life hasn't always been easy.  We've moved a lot and had to deal with the bureaucracy that is the government but I wouldn't change it for the world.  The government has reneged on a lot of promises that were made when Jon enlisted and that has been incredibly aggravating but we are still blessed.  We lived a great life because of what the military has done for us.  

I watched an episode of Glenn Beck where he was talking to a couple young women who fled Afghanistan after Biden pulled out the troops.  There are a lot of our military that are sad and angry about what happened over there and how it was handled.  They feel their time was wasted along with all the lives that were lost fighting a war that never seemed to end.  These young women wanted to thank the military for allowing them to live a life they never would have if not for the military presence in the country.  They were able to go to school and get an education something that would not have happened.  The Taliban doesn't allow girls to go to school, or work, or vote, or participate in any decisions in their lives.  These girls were able to do things they never would have been able to do because of the military stationed there.  I guess I hadn't thought of it that way because I was angry too.  Angry that so many lives were lost in a country that didn't seem to want to change and it seemed a complete waste of time, money and lives lost.  These women made me see a different side, how we did do good and changed lives.  

I don't know if there are enough people in Afghanistan who are willing to stand up to the Taliban but there are people who's lives were changed because of our military. 

Exercise is the key

 I've been feeling mighty low lately.  The move here to Iowa has been more of a challenge than I thought it would be and now with the time change......geez!  As someone who has dealt with depression in the past I kind of understand it.  I have taken antidepressants in the past but didn't like the side effects so I have done research to find out how to deal with it myself without taking medication.  Exercise is the answer.  Yesterday was a particularly tough day for me.  I spend a good portion of the morning crying for absolutely no reason with all kinds of negative thoughts running thru my mind . I know exercise helps me feel better but actually getting up and doing something is difficult but I made myself get on the elliptical machine yesterday while everyone else napped and what a difference it made.  I only worked out for about 35 minutes but it was time well spent.  I got off the machine sweaty but feeling so much better and the rest of my day was much more productive with no more crying.  Even this morning I feel better partly because I slept most of the night.  Anyone who has dealt with depression knows sleep can be a big problem.  Some with depression sleep all the time but some, like me, can't sleep.  I am NOT a morning person at all, never have been, so getting up a 5 in the morning is not normal for me.  But when you can't sleep, being awake 5am happens and then I'm tired all day and that makes the depression worse.   With snow in the forecast for the next few days getting outside won't be much of an option and the sun will set at 5 in the evening so I know getting some exercise every day will become even more important to me to keep me on an even keel.  

If you are dealing with depression I know the thought of exercising seems like a lot to ask but PLEASE give it a try.  I'm telling you it will help so much!  It might even help you get off those antidepressants you are taking.  

Answering the big question

 Jon and I have been married for 26 years and they have been interesting and eventful. We have moved a LOT.  The longest we have lived in one place in 9 years, most only 3 years.  This particular move has been one of the most difficult for me.  When we moved to Texas we said we would never move again, that it was where we were meant to be and that was it.  But, of course, I started thinking about moving and what would be different and how I wasn't fulfilled where we were.......all stupid things to say.  I was good in Texas until the kids went back to live with Jess, after they left I felt lost, adrift, off center, not useful.  And then Dad died and then Mom died and then.....WOW what am I even here for?  As much as I loved my animal and miss them terribly, they became somewhat of a burden.  I wanted to travel and see things.  I see our friend, Steve and Ann, and Marcy and JJ traveling and I want to do that and the animals were preventing that from happening.  I was really hoping when we moved here to Iowa that we would have a chance to do some traveling.  I've mentioned several times that I would like to buy a camper and go off for a few days exploring but that doesn't seem to be what Jon wants to do.  And now he has his snowmobile and his club and that doesn't include me sooooooo :/   Maybe I should just go traveling by myself.......Not!  That doesn't even sound like fun at all.  I guess my expectations are not in line with reality and the reality is my husband has interests that don't include me and that makes me quite sad.  I guess I pictured our life here much different than it has turned out to be.  Life here is pretty boring.   We don't do much of anything but sit around the house and watch stupid TV.  No traveling, no nothing......BORING!!  Why doesn't he want to do anything with me?  Why would he rather sit out in his garage than take me somewhere?  Am I that boring to be around?  When I ask he says "we just go here" but we've been here almost 7 months and still haven't taken any kind of trips other than to Rochester and that just doesn't count.  

So living with his mother is interesting.  She really isn't a bother most of the time but there are just a few things that do aggravate me.  Like when she makes plans and expects me to participate without really asking if I'm ok with it.  When she invites people to stay here without asking if I'm ok with it.  That annoys me. I guess, just once, I would love for her to ask how I feel about it, if it is ok with me, and honestly want to know how I feel.  I know this hasn't been easy for her either but she is getting the better end of this deal and that really pisses me off.  We paid off all her bills and took over the house without having any say on what actually goes on around here and......WOW that really pisses me off.  There are so many things I want to change around here but we have to do it slowly so we don't freak her out.  So this whole dishwasher thing is going to happen.  It's not so much the dishwasher itself its what that dishwasher represents to me,  it means I get to decide what will happen in my own home.  It means this is MY house now not hers.  I means I am in control of something......anything. So I am going to get in the car and drive to La Cross if that means going by myself then I will.  I am going to get those blinds for the kitchen and I am going to look at dishwashers and she will just have to learn to live with it.  It is time I take charge of my own life, time to put myself first in a few things and if that isn't possible I just might have to pack up and move back south, back to my people.   

So the big question is Where do I fit in here?  What is my purpose for being here?  How do I make a life for myself here?  All valid questions that only I can answer.