Finally vented

 Well I finally told Jon how I feel about living here.  It came to a head for me when his brother told us he is parking his RV here for a month.......A MONTH!  His brother is a nut case I mean a real nut case.  Believes the earth is flat and everyone is out to get him, he talks gibberish all the time and is super annoying.  The thought of dealing with him for a whole month is excruciating.  The fact that I wasn't even asked how I feel about it, just taken for granted that I would be ok with it, once again my feelings were not even taken into consideration before the decision was made.  

I told him how unhappy I am living here.  How I don't feel like this is my house and how naïve I was to believe I would have any say in anything that happens around here.  So I guess we see what happens now.  Unfortunately I don't think anything will change.....SOS as my daddy would say it what I expect.  I have to blow up and then things get better for a while and then it fades and we are back to square one.  And then I am seen as the bitch that can't just get with the program and go along to get along.  I am the difficult one because I want to have some say in what happens around here.  

In the long run I don't think anything will change and I will just have to suck it up and learn to live with my unhappiness.  

Today was a tough one

 I hate living here.  I am very unhappy and feel completely stuck.  Most days I can hide it pretty well, bite my tongue when she questions something I've done but today was not one of those days.  I stayed upstairs all day because I just couldn't bring myself to go downstairs and deal with her.  Today I was questioned about ant bait like I don't understand what ant bait is.  I just made the comment that it is better to feed them under the counter and they stay off the counter.  She actually asked if it was poison like I am just sooo stupid I don't know that ant bait needs to be poison.......duh.  I guess she thinks us stupid folks from the south are just to dump to know that ant bait needs to be poison.  That is just one example of what I deal with.  Yesterday it was telling me I need to get the rice cooked like I don't know how long it takes to cook rice.  And when I commented on how nice it is going to be to go on the new deck in the morning to have her coffee to have a nice comfortable chair to sit in. She said I didn't need to pamper her like I bought that furniture for her.  I just commented on how nice it will be I didn't need for the to make that stupid comment.  Oh and yesterday she said I should turn the light off in my little building because I am to stupid to know when to turn a light off......DUH!   I'm so stuuuuuupid!!

I have commented to her to just leave the dishes for the dishwasher but she refuses to do that.  I commented that we need to cut down on the number of pots of coffee we drink every day since there are some days I pour a whole pot down the drain.  That was met with snide comments too.  

Of course when I say something to Jon he always takes her side or makes excuses for her.  "It's just the way she has been doing it for 50 years"  is what I hear.  Well it is time for a change.  I sure was naïve believe she meant when she said "It's our house now we can do what we want" that was really stupid of me.  I should have know better.  You can't ask a woman who has lived in the same house for 50 years to just give up everything she has known and done without a fight.  So where does that leave me?  If I tell Jon I am unhappy and want to move the shit will definitely hit the fan and I am not prepared for the fallout so I guess I just suck it up or I start fighting back.  Maybe I do need to fight back.  I have been walking around on eggshells for over a year because I didn't want to upset her but I am so beyond that now.  I am tired of being talked down to and treated like an idiot in my own home.  I am tired of everything I do being questioned like I haven't been running my own house for over 26 years.  I am tired of being nice.  I am tired of trying to keep the peace with her.  I am just tired of all of it.  I am not a child who doesn't know how to do anything.  

And I am tired of people showing up here thinking it is ok to stay the night without at least calling to make sure we are okay with it.  When Justin and Bentley showed up Saturday without calling and then just announced they were staying the night I was pissed.  I mean who does that?  It would never cross my mind to just show up and say "Hey I'm staying the night"  I mean that is the epitome of rudeness and I come from a long line of rude people.  Even in my messed up family we don't do things like that. 

Life for these people is about to change in a way they don't like because I am done being nice.  Eric snooping around in the basement like he owns the house.  People showing up to stay the night without calling first.  People coming to stay for an extended time without keeping up with their kids.......I am DONE! 

My husband is amusing!

 Since we put the dishwasher in I have been trying to get thru my MIL's head that she doesn't need to do dishes but I can't seem to get her to understand or is it something else?  I told Jon today that I thought she was doing it out of spite but he said she would never do anything spiteful......funny right!  Like she isn't capable of that kind of emotion.  I mean she is a woman right?  I don't know to many if any that don't have spiteful thoughts and she didn't want the dishwasher for some strange, stupid reason to begin with.  "We've done it this way for 50 years" or "I like washing dishes by hand" are the reasons I got for not needing a dishwasher.  It just made me angry that he thinks his mother is so perfect.  Now I know she is a kind woman but she is still a woman and she still has feelings even if he doesn't want admit it.  

I know I am just about done with her always questioning me and correcting me.  When I moved the cat the other day and she commented on it I was angry.  I'm sure the cat would probably move but I'm just not willing to take that chance because I know Jon's track record when it comes to running things/animals over.  After all he did hit Sophie twice because "she should have moved".   He has run over chickens too for the same reason.  He just doesn't see this the way I do and he would hit it if it didn't move. 

I am just tired of living here and knowing that this isn't going to change for a VERY long time.  I am stuck!  So what is the solution to my problem?  I wish I knew.

It's funny how I was thinking about cleaning out that closet and knowing what kind of response I am going to get from her and how that makes me angry and anxious all at the same time.  But I feel like this whenever I think about changing anything around here because I know it will be met with opposition, that is unless Jon suggests it.  I hate putting him in the middle but I feel like it is the only way I can get anything done.  If I suggest it it is a bad idea but he suggests the same thing it is a great idea.  

I spend so much time upstairs because I don't have to answer for her to anything up here.  I don't have her question my every move and that is good but it is still frustrating as hell that I can't seem to do anything in my own house without getting shit about it.  Another thing is that stupid trash can.   We just don't need 2 in the kitchen but OMG the world will come to an end it we get rid of hers.  Just little stupid things like that just put me over the edge.  

I know I'm depressed as hell that is why I am up a 3am typing on my computer instead of sleeping.  I hate living here and I'm stuck.  I get questioned about everything I do in my own house.  I get questioned about the food I cook and the church we go to........gggrrrr so annoying.   Like I have to answer to Tim about the church we choose to go to.   Geez last time I looked I was and adult but not around here.  And now we will have Marcy and her grandkids in the house for the next 10 days.....so much fun....NOT!  Were we asked how we felt about that? NOPE!  I know it is her sister and she hasn't seen her in years but it sure would be nice to be asked.  

I'm not sure what my next step will be.  Some days I just want to pack up my stuff and head south for a while, just get the hell out of here.  Living here is as bad as living in Japan was because here I am up in the middle of the night writing my feelings because I can't say the out loud without upsetting everyone.  Once again I have to keep them to myself.  I know Jon cares about this but not enough to leave and talking to him about this only upsets him.  I know he is concerned for my feelings but it is his mom and he can't leave her alone and I get that but it doesn't make these feelings go away.  

I resent her for not selling the house and moving in with Joanna or just downsizing and moving near one of her kids into a smaller place.  I resent that no one else could make the move to help her out.  I resent that I can't do what I want in my own home with getting questioned about everything.  I'm sad because I don't see any way out of this situation.....it all just sucks.