Life sucks!

 So Jon goes to this church weekend thing and comes back an rah rah rah and life is great and why can't we all just be happy and it makes me want to puke.  I'm sitting there at the table tonight listening to everyone talk about how great they are doing and how grateful they are for everything and I just want to leave, can't stand sitting there acting like everything is hunky dory.  I lied about being grateful for the family because right now I don't feel grateful for anything.  Right now I'm just sad and angry and wish I could be anywhere but here.  

Jon thinks he can make everything better for me but I just can't see how he is going to accomplish this when what I really want to do it sell this house and leave.  Is that going to happen?  NOPE!  So I am stuck here is a house that isn't mine cleaning up after everyone like the good maid I am.  

It's the little things

 It's amazing how something as small as a fly strip can piss me off.  I asked him to hang a fly strip at the end of the island where all the fly congregate but his mommy doesn't like it there so he hung it by the  door to make her happy.  What about me?  Is my happiness not important to him?  Some days I wonder.  Days like today make just hate living here and wish we had never moved from Texas.  Everything they say just pisses me off and I don't even want to talk to either one of them.  And if Andy and Yvonne leave that kid behind one more time my head is going to explode.  I DO NOT BABYSIT!  He isn't my kid but I knew when he showed up it would be expected of us to watch him so they can go running the roads.  Don't get me wrong he is a good kid but he isn't my responsibility.....period.  He is always up stairs talking to me and asking me question.......just exhausting.  Jon feels sorry for him and I do to but dang!  That family has to figure it out and quit expecting us to look after him.  I keep expecting Jon to volunteer to take him in because he feels bad for him.  The poor kid is going to be so screwed up because he has such a screwed up family but that isn't my problem.  

Today is one of those days where I just want to pack up and go to Louisiana.  Stay with Royette for a while, get a job and just get on with my life alone.  I just hate everything today. 

Finally vented

 Well I finally told Jon how I feel about living here.  It came to a head for me when his brother told us he is parking his RV here for a month.......A MONTH!  His brother is a nut case I mean a real nut case.  Believes the earth is flat and everyone is out to get him, he talks gibberish all the time and is super annoying.  The thought of dealing with him for a whole month is excruciating.  The fact that I wasn't even asked how I feel about it, just taken for granted that I would be ok with it, once again my feelings were not even taken into consideration before the decision was made.  

I told him how unhappy I am living here.  How I don't feel like this is my house and how naïve I was to believe I would have any say in anything that happens around here.  So I guess we see what happens now.  Unfortunately I don't think anything will change.....SOS as my daddy would say it what I expect.  I have to blow up and then things get better for a while and then it fades and we are back to square one.  And then I am seen as the bitch that can't just get with the program and go along to get along.  I am the difficult one because I want to have some say in what happens around here.  

In the long run I don't think anything will change and I will just have to suck it up and learn to live with my unhappiness.  

Today was a tough one

 I hate living here.  I am very unhappy and feel completely stuck.  Most days I can hide it pretty well, bite my tongue when she questions something I've done but today was not one of those days.  I stayed upstairs all day because I just couldn't bring myself to go downstairs and deal with her.  Today I was questioned about ant bait like I don't understand what ant bait is.  I just made the comment that it is better to feed them under the counter and they stay off the counter.  She actually asked if it was poison like I am just sooo stupid I don't know that ant bait needs to be poison.......duh.  I guess she thinks us stupid folks from the south are just to dump to know that ant bait needs to be poison.  That is just one example of what I deal with.  Yesterday it was telling me I need to get the rice cooked like I don't know how long it takes to cook rice.  And when I commented on how nice it is going to be to go on the new deck in the morning to have her coffee to have a nice comfortable chair to sit in. She said I didn't need to pamper her like I bought that furniture for her.  I just commented on how nice it will be I didn't need for the to make that stupid comment.  Oh and yesterday she said I should turn the light off in my little building because I am to stupid to know when to turn a light off......DUH!   I'm so stuuuuuupid!!

I have commented to her to just leave the dishes for the dishwasher but she refuses to do that.  I commented that we need to cut down on the number of pots of coffee we drink every day since there are some days I pour a whole pot down the drain.  That was met with snide comments too.  

Of course when I say something to Jon he always takes her side or makes excuses for her.  "It's just the way she has been doing it for 50 years"  is what I hear.  Well it is time for a change.  I sure was naïve believe she meant when she said "It's our house now we can do what we want" that was really stupid of me.  I should have know better.  You can't ask a woman who has lived in the same house for 50 years to just give up everything she has known and done without a fight.  So where does that leave me?  If I tell Jon I am unhappy and want to move the shit will definitely hit the fan and I am not prepared for the fallout so I guess I just suck it up or I start fighting back.  Maybe I do need to fight back.  I have been walking around on eggshells for over a year because I didn't want to upset her but I am so beyond that now.  I am tired of being talked down to and treated like an idiot in my own home.  I am tired of everything I do being questioned like I haven't been running my own house for over 26 years.  I am tired of being nice.  I am tired of trying to keep the peace with her.  I am just tired of all of it.  I am not a child who doesn't know how to do anything.  

And I am tired of people showing up here thinking it is ok to stay the night without at least calling to make sure we are okay with it.  When Justin and Bentley showed up Saturday without calling and then just announced they were staying the night I was pissed.  I mean who does that?  It would never cross my mind to just show up and say "Hey I'm staying the night"  I mean that is the epitome of rudeness and I come from a long line of rude people.  Even in my messed up family we don't do things like that. 

Life for these people is about to change in a way they don't like because I am done being nice.  Eric snooping around in the basement like he owns the house.  People showing up to stay the night without calling first.  People coming to stay for an extended time without keeping up with their kids.......I am DONE! 

My husband is amusing!

 Since we put the dishwasher in I have been trying to get thru my MIL's head that she doesn't need to do dishes but I can't seem to get her to understand or is it something else?  I told Jon today that I thought she was doing it out of spite but he said she would never do anything spiteful......funny right!  Like she isn't capable of that kind of emotion.  I mean she is a woman right?  I don't know to many if any that don't have spiteful thoughts and she didn't want the dishwasher for some strange, stupid reason to begin with.  "We've done it this way for 50 years" or "I like washing dishes by hand" are the reasons I got for not needing a dishwasher.  It just made me angry that he thinks his mother is so perfect.  Now I know she is a kind woman but she is still a woman and she still has feelings even if he doesn't want admit it.  

I know I am just about done with her always questioning me and correcting me.  When I moved the cat the other day and she commented on it I was angry.  I'm sure the cat would probably move but I'm just not willing to take that chance because I know Jon's track record when it comes to running things/animals over.  After all he did hit Sophie twice because "she should have moved".   He has run over chickens too for the same reason.  He just doesn't see this the way I do and he would hit it if it didn't move. 

I am just tired of living here and knowing that this isn't going to change for a VERY long time.  I am stuck!  So what is the solution to my problem?  I wish I knew.

It's funny how I was thinking about cleaning out that closet and knowing what kind of response I am going to get from her and how that makes me angry and anxious all at the same time.  But I feel like this whenever I think about changing anything around here because I know it will be met with opposition, that is unless Jon suggests it.  I hate putting him in the middle but I feel like it is the only way I can get anything done.  If I suggest it it is a bad idea but he suggests the same thing it is a great idea.  

I spend so much time upstairs because I don't have to answer for her to anything up here.  I don't have her question my every move and that is good but it is still frustrating as hell that I can't seem to do anything in my own house without getting shit about it.  Another thing is that stupid trash can.   We just don't need 2 in the kitchen but OMG the world will come to an end it we get rid of hers.  Just little stupid things like that just put me over the edge.  

I know I'm depressed as hell that is why I am up a 3am typing on my computer instead of sleeping.  I hate living here and I'm stuck.  I get questioned about everything I do in my own house.  I get questioned about the food I cook and the church we go to........gggrrrr so annoying.   Like I have to answer to Tim about the church we choose to go to.   Geez last time I looked I was and adult but not around here.  And now we will have Marcy and her grandkids in the house for the next 10 days.....so much fun....NOT!  Were we asked how we felt about that? NOPE!  I know it is her sister and she hasn't seen her in years but it sure would be nice to be asked.  

I'm not sure what my next step will be.  Some days I just want to pack up my stuff and head south for a while, just get the hell out of here.  Living here is as bad as living in Japan was because here I am up in the middle of the night writing my feelings because I can't say the out loud without upsetting everyone.  Once again I have to keep them to myself.  I know Jon cares about this but not enough to leave and talking to him about this only upsets him.  I know he is concerned for my feelings but it is his mom and he can't leave her alone and I get that but it doesn't make these feelings go away.  

I resent her for not selling the house and moving in with Joanna or just downsizing and moving near one of her kids into a smaller place.  I resent that no one else could make the move to help her out.  I resent that I can't do what I want in my own home with getting questioned about everything.  I'm sad because I don't see any way out of this situation.....it all just sucks. 

Are you prepared?

 Our lives in Texas were much different than here in Iowa.  We had land, a nice garden, farm animals and were fairly self sustained.  He had a solar system for our water and a wood stove to heat the house and a whole house backup generator.  We kept gas and propane on hand along with food and feed for the animals. I felt safe and if, God forbid, something happened in the world we would be okay.  Here in Iowa I just don't feel that way.  I feel very unsecure here.  The winters are extreme and we have no way of keeping warm if the power goes out for an extended period of time.  We don't have land so we can't go cut down trees for wood fuel, and we don't have the land to hunt on if we need food.  

Looking back on our moved here there are many days I regret giving up what we had to come up here.  I know if was God's will for it to happen but that doesn't make me feel secure with everything that is going on in the world.  We did bring all out food with us but that will only last so long.  I am trying to learn to grow food in the basement but I can't grow enough to keep us alive over a winter.  I plan on expanding my garden this year and can lots of veggies.  I really want to fence off the whole property so we can get chickens and let them free-range.  Whenever I mention this to Jon and MIL I get crazy looks from them.  I want to get a few milk goats or a milk cow....that gets me crazy looks.  I just want to be proactive instead of waiting for all hell to break loose before we see what we should have done.  

My problem is getting my husband on board with this.  I think he was burned out from our time in Texas and all the work we did there and nothing bad happened.  I can understand that because I felt the same.  When you spend years preparing for bad things to happen and nothing does you begin to feel like it was all a waste of time. Since Biden got elected it seems like everything has accelerated to the point where we can't ignore what is happening in the world and think everything will be okay and nothing is going to happen.  So many people have normalcy bias and my MIL is one of them.  She thinks we are crazy to stock food and get a wood stove and expand the garden and fence the yard for animals......etc.  She just thinks things will go on the way they always have and we are just looking for problems that won't happen.  

So what is the solution to my predicament?  I feel scared and I feel like my husband doesn't get it.  Whenever I mention doing any of these things to be more prepared he dismisses me and my suggestions. 

Once again I don't matter

 I was informed today that the whole family is coming over Sunday afternoon for "Christmas" since we didn't get to celebrate it last year because of illness.  Normally I would be okay with that but it sure would be nice to be asked if I was okay with it.  I HATE when plans are made for me without my knowledge or permission.  Last time I looked this was my house, my name is on the deed but that doesn't seem to mean anything to certain people in this family.  When we bought this house we were told "it's your house you can do what you want"  I've said this before but once again that simply isn't true.  I could be a total bitch and just stay upstairs and I just might do that.  I hate when I am forced to participate in a family function that I don't even what to happen in my house.  My house.....what a joke.  The only thing that is mine in this house is the bills. 

Who does my husband care about more?

 When we made the decision to move to Iowa to live with my mother-in-law there were things I told him I wanted as soon as we moved in.  The big one for me is a dishwasher.....I NEED a dishwasher.  He seemed all on board with that plan until his mom got her panties in a wad about it and said we don't need one.  SOOOOOO we don't have a dishwasher which makes me very angry.  I'm angry because she told us when we bought the house "it is your house and you can do what you want"......well not really.  I can only do what I want as long as she is okay with it.  What is more frustrating is his lack of understanding on how all this makes me feel, like I have to compete with her about everything.  Now don't get me wrong she is not a bad person and for the most part she is easy to get along with. My problem is my husband and his inability to see things from my point of view.  I told him today I shouldn't be surprised that he can't talk to her about difficult things because all the brothers are a bunch of mama's boys. So that leaves me without dishwasher because Jon refuses to tell his mom it is what I want.  Or is my problem that he just doesn't get that this is important to me? Or does he care more about his mother's feeling than mine? So are her feelings more important than mine?  How long do I live in a house that doesn't feel like my home even though we pay all the bills?  How long do I put up with my husband caring more about him mom's feeling than mine?  How do I come to grip with the thought that my husband is oblivious to the depression I am feeling because I am playing second fiddle to his mom? I've talked about feeling a LOT!  My feelings are incredibly hurt by all this and even more hurt that he can't seem to see that.  He is more concerned with upsetting her than he is about making me happy and that makes me very unhappy.  

So there are days when it is more than I can handle and I have a melt down and sulk upstairs all day.  I had one of those last week and when she asked if I was okay he felt the need to tell her I was upset.  Did he tell her why I was upset.....NOOOOO that would be the thing to do but he didn't.  

I gave up everything I loved in Texas to move here so she wouldn't be alone and all I want for it is a stupid dishwasher but NOOOOO can't have that.  Anyway that is my vent for the day.  I'm sure I could go on and on about this but what is the point?  Venting on this blog won't get me any closer to having a dishwasher.